Never accept a drink from a Urologist.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
I am not a glutton -- I am an explorer of food.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heaving breathing again.
You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time is 18 years.
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me..