A friend who cannot at a pinch remember a thing or two that never happened is as bad as one who does not know how to forget.
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- A man’s friendships are, like his will, invalidated by marriage — but they are also no less invalidated by the marriage of his friends.
- Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
- When the water of a place is bad it is safest to drink none that has not been filtered through either the berry of a grape, or else a tub of malt. These are the most reliable filters yet invented.
- The three most important things a man has are, briefly, his private parts, his money, and his religious opinions.
- Rare virtues are like rare plants or animals, things that have not been able to hold their own in the world. A virtue to be serviceable must, like gold, be alloyed with some commoner but more durable metal.
- Everyone should keep a mental wastepaper basket, and the older he grows, the more things will he promptly consign to it.